ADULT CONTENT
The Clinton Crap, !!
Due to the subject matter the following is Not sutiable fot children.
And also it is necessary to have a good sence of humor.
If you are not old enough or you have left your humor behind then please hit the backspace now!
On The Behalf Of Mr. Clinton
Clinton
Clinton Follies
White House Summer Love
Clinton Cartoons
Jokes For Your Viewing & Laughing Pleasure
Monicas Story
Hillarys 2cents
And We Have More Clinton Jokes !!!
AL And Bill
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex
Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did
you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama."
In honor of our Clinton discussion)
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was
finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he
was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that
she was also one month pregnant.
She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the
doctor insisted.
Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to
call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it
was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, "I
can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this?"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they
conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit,
and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Time clock
A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They
go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says, "It's
$100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later." She answers.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and
Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm
going out a and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about
you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys
open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer,
so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her
ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at
herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
What Clinton Really Wanted To Say!
"Members of Congress... people of America....
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not
news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the
only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been
paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First
Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a
little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston
Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for
the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas
into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a
new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,
paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like
an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the
Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected
me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your
part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player
and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport"
who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime
interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of "plausible deniability," and almost got a one-way
ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who
=
was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America
=
to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen
former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been
strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is
doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time
since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press
didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so
low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman.
The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb-dust. And anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell "Internet" has enough money to ponder the
annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or
her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with
my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not
a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's hot, and
with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where
I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around
for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed
before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped
by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know I had a choice..."
Excited
I got all excited, made a giant mess,
It was my misfortune, it landed on her dress.
Man I thought I was careful, and pointed far away,
But she caught a dress full of Flyin' D.N.A,
She was so damn playful, such a little tease,
I used to laugh at the rug burn, on her chubby knees.
She tried her best to escape it, but couldn't get away,
I bit my lip and fired, Flyin' D.N.A.,
I thought it was our secret, but she let it slip,
Monica went blabbin', right to Linda Tripp.
She taped it on her recorder, and she just pressed play,
And the world got an earful, of Flyin' D.N.A.,
When the dress gets tested, by the F.B.I.,
My only option is to just deny.
But before you impeach me, here's what's in store,
Your new El' Presedente', will be that putz Al Gore. >>
Clinton's Time Clock
A guy dies and goes to Heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy
today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come
to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up wit h these clocks?"
St . Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room
before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he
asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided
to use it as a fan."
Another HaHa
I just saw on the news that President Clinton was going to personally
look at the damage from the
hurricane in North Carolina... ....it seems he heard some chick named
Bonnie was blowing real hard in MooreHead City.
Al & Bill
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex.
Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did
you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
Time for a sing-along to the tune of ......
Time for a sing-along to the tune of ......
"Grease". Summer Loving
Bill:
"Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica:
"White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill:
"Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica:
"Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he come on your dress?"
-------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes me damp"
Bill:
"She gave me head, in the White House"
Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Bill & Monica:
"Summer Sleaze, it's such a dream,
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he tell you to lie?"
---------------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:
"He gave me money, to buy a new dress"
Bill:
"She said she'd lie, she made a vow"
Monica:
"Wonder who's riding him now?"
Bill & Monica:
"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Clinton Speech
Clinton's first draft of the speech delivered on that fateful .Monday night
(before
editing by his speechwriters)
Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in
my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in
D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and
Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they
have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which
isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.
If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft,
hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new
Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money
to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and
grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway,
which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White
House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the
same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who
brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his
lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself,
didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former
residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been
strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more
for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one
gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind
of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine.
------- Thank you. Good night and God bless America.
Another Lewinsky Joke
A man walks into a tee shirt store.
There are 3 shirts on display:
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below
the picture is titled "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache.It is titled "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white
mustache.It is titled "Not Milk".
AssHole
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the
showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio
stations and saw there appeared to be only one station. She immediately
turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly
explain her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she
only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her
the car radio was voice-activated, and she would only need to state
aloud the type of music she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word
"country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait
song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock n roll;" the radio station changed and a song
by Van Halen came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house,
another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a
collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole !" ....... the radio
cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
Hillary
> > During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
> fortune
> > teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into
a
> > crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
> >
> > "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
> yourself
> > to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
> this
> year."
> >
> > Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the
> > single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep
> breaths to
> > compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's
> > gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
> >
> > "Will I be acquitted?"
Subj: FW: Parenting in the Clinton Era
Somewhere in America, next week:
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that
I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no
one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch
it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get
out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or
no, did you scratch the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well,
you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my
earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result
of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?".
>From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence,
I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the
car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D- Where did you learn to be such a smart alec?
S- From The President of the United States.
D- I see.
And later at school......
Friend- Man! That must have been a rough questioning!
Son- I deplored what dad was doing! It was, of course, not my job to
cooperate in his investigation......
On The Behalf Of Mr. Clinton
Clinton
Clinton Follies
White House Summer Love
Clinton Cartoons
Jokes For Your Viewing & Laughing Pleasure
Monicas Story
Hillarys 2cents
And We Have More Clinton Jokes !!!
AL And Bill
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex
Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did
you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks
and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama."
In honor of our Clinton discussion)
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was
finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he
was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that
she was also one month pregnant.
She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the
doctor insisted.
Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to
call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it
was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away.
The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, "I
can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this?"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they
conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit,
and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Time clock
A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They
go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says, "It's
$100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later." She answers.
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and
Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm
going out a and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about
you."
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys
open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer,
so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her
ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at
herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
What Clinton Really Wanted To Say!
"Members of Congress... people of America....
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not
news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the
only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been
paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First
Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a
little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston
Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for
the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas
into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be
married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a
new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff,
paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like
an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the
Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected
me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your
part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player
and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport"
who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime
interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of "plausible deniability," and almost got a one-way
ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who
=
was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America
=
to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen
former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been
strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is
doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time
since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press
didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so
low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman.
The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb-dust. And anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell "Internet" has enough money to ponder the
annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or
her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with
my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not
a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's hot, and
with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where
I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Jerry Falwell
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around
for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed
before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped
by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know I had a choice..."
Excited
I got all excited, made a giant mess,
It was my misfortune, it landed on her dress.
Man I thought I was careful, and pointed far away,
But she caught a dress full of Flyin' D.N.A,
She was so damn playful, such a little tease,
I used to laugh at the rug burn, on her chubby knees.
She tried her best to escape it, but couldn't get away,
I bit my lip and fired, Flyin' D.N.A.,
I thought it was our secret, but she let it slip,
Monica went blabbin', right to Linda Tripp.
She taped it on her recorder, and she just pressed play,
And the world got an earful, of Flyin' D.N.A.,
When the dress gets tested, by the F.B.I.,
My only option is to just deny.
But before you impeach me, here's what's in store,
Your new El' Presedente', will be that putz Al Gore. >>
Clinton's Time Clock
A guy dies and goes to Heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy
today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room
and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come
to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up wit h these clocks?"
St . Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much
time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person
dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds
his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room
before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he
asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided
to use it as a fan."
Another HaHa
I just saw on the news that President Clinton was going to personally
look at the damage from the
hurricane in North Carolina... ....it seems he heard some chick named
Bonnie was blowing real hard in MooreHead City.
Al & Bill
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex.
Al asked Bill, "I never slept with my wife before we were married, did
you?"
Bill replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"
Time for a sing-along to the tune of ......
Time for a sing-along to the tune of ......
"Grease". Summer Loving
Bill:
"Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica:
"White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill:
"Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica:
"Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he come on your dress?"
-------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes me damp"
Bill:
"She gave me head, in the White House"
Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Bill & Monica:
"Summer Sleaze, it's such a dream,
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he tell you to lie?"
---------------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:
"He gave me money, to buy a new dress"
Bill:
"She said she'd lie, she made a vow"
Monica:
"Wonder who's riding him now?"
Bill & Monica:
"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Clinton Speech
Clinton's first draft of the speech delivered on that fateful .Monday night
(before
editing by his speechwriters)
Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks,
because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in
my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in
D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and
Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they
have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which
isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.
If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft,
hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new
Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money
to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and
grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway,
which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White
House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the
same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who
brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his
lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself,
didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former
residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been
strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more
for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one
gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind
of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential limousine.
------- Thank you. Good night and God bless America.
Another Lewinsky Joke
A man walks into a tee shirt store.
There are 3 shirts on display:
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below
the picture is titled "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache.It is titled "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white
mustache.It is titled "Not Milk".
AssHole
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the
showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio
stations and saw there appeared to be only one station. She immediately
turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly
explain her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she
only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her
the car radio was voice-activated, and she would only need to state
aloud the type of music she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word
"country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait
song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock n roll;" the radio station changed and a song
by Van Halen came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house,
another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a
collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole !" ....... the radio
cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
Hillary
> > During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
> fortune
> > teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into
a
> > crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
> >
> > "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
> yourself
> > to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death
> this
> year."
> >
> > Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the
> > single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep
> breaths to
> > compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's
> > gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
> >
> > "Will I be acquitted?"
Subj: FW: Parenting in the Clinton Era
Somewhere in America, next week:
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that
I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no
one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.
While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch
it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get
out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or
no, did you scratch the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well,
you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my
earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I
mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
statement that I did not scratch the car.
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result
of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?".
>From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence,
I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the
scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the
car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D- Where did you learn to be such a smart alec?
S- From The President of the United States.
D- I see.
And later at school......
Friend- Man! That must have been a rough questioning!
Son- I deplored what dad was doing! It was, of course, not my job to
cooperate in his investigation......
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup and when she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said that he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and happily announced that she was also one month pregnant. She told the doctor that there was no way she could be pregnant, but the doctor insisted. Hillary stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist and asked to call the White House. When the operator answered, she explained that it was Hillary and that she needed to talk with Bill right away. The operator rang the oval office, Bill answered and Hillary said, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!" The President remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "I am pregnant! You got me pregnant!" Finally Bill answered, "Who is this?"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
"Members of Congress... people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of "plausible deniability," and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who = was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America = to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust. And anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell "Internet" has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's hot, and with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Time for a sing-along to the tune of ......
"Grease". Summer Loving
Bill:
"Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica:
"White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill:
"Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica:
"Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill:
"Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he come on your dress?" -------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes me damp"
Bill:
"She gave me head, in the White House"
Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Bill & Monica:
"Summer Sleaze, it's such a dream,
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star:
"Did he tell you to lie?" ---------------------------------------------------
Bill:
"Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica:
"He gave me money, to buy a new dress"
Bill:
"She said she'd lie, she made a vow"
Monica:
"Wonder who's riding him now?"
Bill & Monica:
"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh
Those White House Nights"
Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do.
If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
------- Thank you. Good night and God bless America.
Somewhere in America, next week:
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". >From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
D- Where did you learn to be such a smart alec?
S- From The President of the United States.
D- I see.
And later at school......
Friend- Man! That must have been a rough questioning!
Son- I deplored what dad was doing! It was, of course, not my job to cooperate in his investigation......